It doesn't really ever go away. It's not like the chicken pox where if you've had it once you probably won't get it again. Depression lingers. It's always waiting in the back of your head. It waits for a day in which just one too many things go wrong, and then it takes over.
Depression looks different on different people. On me, it manifests itself as distance from people. I can spend all day in bed and not even realize hours upon hours have gone by. A therapist once told me her goal was to get me to be present in my life again. When the depression takes me over, I'm not present. I'm absent from everything I do. Even if I do find the courage or the energy to get out of bed and go to work or school, my mind isn't really there. I'm just going through the motions.
This weekend, depression won. It has been winning for the last three days. But here's the thing- nothing is really wrong. Sometimes depression hits me when my life is a shit storm of horrible things happening to me. But not this time. I'm really okay. Yeah, I just went through a pretty crappy breakup. Yeah, I'm about to pick up my whole life and move back home where I'll be living with my mother (AHHH!). Just kidding, mom! Kind of... But I've been okay. Maybe it all just hit me at once. I think I stopped to breathe for just one millisecond and the full speed ride that is my life smacked me in the face.
It's understandable, really. I think everyone needs shitty depressed days every once in a while. When I'm depressed, I promise you I don't want to hear things like "it's all a part of God's plan!" or "Jesus loves you!" Because days like these last 3 days really make you appreciate the good days. And I need to come to that conclusion on my own. I know Jesus loves me. And it's awesome. But when I'm miserable, hearing things like that just feels like a guilt trip. Like how dare you be upset when Jesus loves you SO much? And maybe I shouldn't be. But I simply can't help the chemical imbalance in my brain. I can't help that some days I just can't muster the energy to get out of bed and go to work.
And... here's the kicker... I'm not the only one.
I'm not the only one.
"Depression affects approximately 19 million Americans, or 9.5% of the population in any given one-year period. At some point in their lives, 10%-25% of women and 5%-12% of men will likely become clinically depressed."
Can't make this stuff up, people! Okay, so I have 2,022 fb friends. Statistics would say that at least 202 of those people will be depressed at some point in their lives. So WHY push it under the rug?! Why make those people feel ostracized and alone when there are really millions of other people going through the same thing?
So my hope is that by me broadcasting my not-so-personal problems via my blog and facebook and twitter (my sincerest apologies to my twitter followers- my tweets lately have been terrible!) that people will recognize a little bit of themselves in my symptoms. Or notice a friend going through a hard time and have the courage to say something. Or just be there. Just sit with them. Sometimes the healthiest thing is just company.
Sometimes you just need to lay in bed all day and watch crappy tv and feel sorry for yourself. Sometimes you just need to follow your best friend's advice and "GET THE HELL OUT OF BED AND GO SIT IN THE SUNSHINE!" Sometimes you just need to make yourself clean the house. Sometimes you just need to go ahead and make coffee at 3 pm so you have no excuse not to go to work the next day.
Sometimes you just need someone to talk to. To all my friends... even if we aren't friends. Even if I don't even know you. If you ever need to talk to anyone, I'm more than happy to be the person. I'll even try my hardest to resist the urge to tell you that Jesus loves you or that I'll go beat up your ex for you :)
So grateful for my amazing support system... I love you all so much more than you could ever know.
XO, Abigail
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