WARNING: Full Disclosure

In the interest of full disclosure- I thought I'd share a conversation Eric and I had about our faith last night. I plan on being completely honest with myself and with everyone else about any struggles that we go through in our lives and our journey to get to Africa. I have had enough of hiding my problems.

Eric and I are both 21. We just celebrated our six month anniversary on April 10th. We live together and are still learning new things about each other every day. Since I have really dived in to my faith in the last couple months, a lot has changed about me very quickly. I realized yesterday that while I assumed we were on the same page concerning our faith (we say prayers before meals, do devotions every morning, go to church on Sundays, etc.), I had never actually asked him what he felt about the drastic changes I have made recently. After all, this isn't what he signed up for.

When we started dating, I was a broken, cynical, negative, probably pre-alcoholic, incredibly depressed girl with a WHOLE lot of baggage. He loved taking care of me and he was very good at it. He spoon fed me and made me eat when I was too broken to get out of bed. He gave me peanut butter if he could tell my blood sugar was getting low. He held me when I cried even if he didn't know what I was crying about. He left me alone when I wanted to be alone. I don't know how he had the strength to get through those times. I am certain I wouldn't have made it without him.

So that sounds awful, right? You would assume of COURSE he likes me better now that I am happy and a perfectly functioning adult (most of the time). Not necessarily. I also went out a lot more then. I had just celebrated my 21st birthday and was "enjoying" that to the fullest. I probably drank, if not got drunk, a good five days a week. I considered myself to be the life of the party and I knew people liked being around me. I'm sure Eric enjoyed these times as well.

All these thoughts were going through my mind as we started to discuss our faith at 1:15 am last night. (I was reading the Hunger Games until 12:45. Ugh) I basically told him that I needed to know he was in this with me for the right reasons. It sounds odd to say, but I needed to know that he wasn't just in this relationship for ME. Because I have devoted my life to Jesus and pursuing Christ and doing His works. This is what makes me happy. And as much as it pained me to say it, I had to tell him that if that wasn't exactly what he wants for his life too, then he needed to get out of this relationship now. Of course, he said he is in this with me and supports me no matter what my beliefs are. But I kept pushing and wanted to know if his faith is really as strong as mine has become or if he was just "going through the motions" because I was doing it. What he said was that while he hasn't completely jumped in to his relationship with Jesus like I have, he knows that we are doing the right thing. Being a disciple of Jesus is hard work. Every day we have to do "what Jesus would do." Y'all, that's a lot easier said than done. It's hard to change the things you were doing every day to try and be a positive, loving person all the time. It can be exhausting.

Two things Eric said last night touched me greatly. First of all- and you really must forgive me for the lack of context given- he said "you don't need faith to not be an asshole." This really struck me and made me want to share it with whoever chooses to read my blog. I don't want anyone to think that I am judging them because of their lack of faith. I spent 21 years of my life not really believing in God. If I ever told you I did, I was probably bullshitting. Just because my "moral compass" is more commonly referred to as the Bible doesn't mean that yours has to be. I don't care what you believe. I love you. I love you even if you hate me. I love you even if you hate Christianity. I love you if you have a drug problem. I love you if you are a criminal. I love you, because Jesus loves you.

The second thing Eric said that made me shut up for a second (quite a miracle, really) pretty much ripped my heart out of my chest. In a good way. I told him that sometimes I wonder if he liked me better before. When I was broken and needed to be taken care of all the time. He said "no, I love you so much more now that I have seen you change." Now, if y'all know Eric- or really any 21 year old guy- that's not the kind of thing that comes out of his mouth very often. I asked him why and his answer was so profound it brought me to immediate tears. He responded, "because now you're who you should be."

You're who you should be.

Hearing this from him really rocked my world. I have felt this sentiment a lot recently, that I seem to have made myself whole and new in Jesus and many of my issues from before have just simply evaporated. But to hear my best friend say that he knows now I am who I was always intended to be was the most amazing feeling in the world. It was all I needed to hear to reinforce that he is in this journey with me for the long haul. 

I am so grateful that Eric is so supportive of me and is willing to change his day-to-day life to go with me on my journey with Christ. I truly don't think I'd be alive if it weren't for him. Funny the way it is.

It's you & me, baby. I love you.

AK