On December 30th, a blog surfaced entitled 23 Things to Do Instead of Getting Engaged Before You're 23. I immediately read it and laughed/ amen'ed my way through it. In case you were unaware, I'm basically as single as a human being can be, and I'm 23. My news feed has been chock full of engagements lately, so this article struck a lot of positive chords with me. However, I didn't share it immediately. Obviously, a great many of my friends (my age and younger) are getting engaged/ married. I would never want to offend any of these friends, so I held back. Ultimately, I decided to share it, knowing/ hoping people would share the benefits of marriage before 25 with me. I was right.
Soon after sharing, I stumbled upon My First Blog: The Result of a Closed-Minded 23 Year Old. Yeesh. Not exactly a light and fluffy name. The premise though was 23 things you can do with your husband regardless of age. I knew that one was coming. Her post was good and equally as valid. There are always two sides to a coin, y'all. I understand going on the defensive when it feels like someone is attacking your marriage (which the OP kind of was, so). Her snark was fairly warranted.
Finally, I found the winner! This one was it. 24 Things to Do Instead of Getting Married Before You're 24. This is my favorite by far. I definitely have the same sense of humor as this writer, so it seemed perfect. Here's my favorite quote from her response:
"The crux of the argument centers on the idea that “you owe it to yourself”…to find yourself, make out with a stranger, not ruin the sanctity of marriage by marrying young, to do whatever you want because you want to do it. I don’t know where we got the idea that we owe ourselves anything. We literally did nothing to be on this earth. For the first years of our lives we were completely helpless. In fact, we’re still pretty helpless and dependent on others for life or even just to breathe. Case in point, let’s all give a shout-out to the Ozone for remaining in tact (mostly) so we don’t fry to death today. Also, does anyone else get annoyed with constantly reminding your heart to keep beating? I mean, really, 100,000 beats per day – too bad our hearts don’t beat without us thinking about it. Oh wait.
Instead of finding ourselves, thinking that “Millennials deserve the opportunity to develop ourselves, alone,” perhaps we should think and develop outside of ourselves and ponder deep questions – like who created us and this world we live in. What privilege do we have that we can take time to find ourselves while 12 year old girls in Afghanistan are being forced to marry middle age men and find themselves enduring a lifetime of abuse and suffering?"AMEN, SISTA. The main point of this final blog post I found was to have compassion for others (especially the less fortunate), which is something I can always get behind. It also reminded me of an article I saw about the Pope's "New Years Resolutions." I love this Pope, AND the article was written in the Philippines. Win-win. Highly recommended reading.
Still, after reading all of the above (more than once), they all left something to be desired. My friend Catherine said it perfectly: "I'm hoping to see the next one titled "25 things to do before you're 25 whether or not you're married, because you can be happy either way!" Catherine, your wish is my command!
Now, on the off chance this goes viral (here's hoping!), I am fully aware of the irony in 23 year olds offering anyone advice. I can say for myself that I have approximately 0% of my life figured out. I'm offering these tips up based on the experiences I've had so far, and the ones I hope to have in the future. I could never claim to be all-encompassing (which is something I found fault with in the original 2 blog posts), because everyone has a different story. My story is not, and should not be, yours. If you find something of value in the next 25 tidbits, use it! If not, write me and tell me what yours are! I want to hear your story too.
The following "things to do" are a compilation of the three aforementioned blog posts, Pope Francis' New Years Resolutions, and my own additions.
1) Get a passport, and use it!
2) Bake/ cook for someone. Could be your partner, could be your parents (but definitely for your parents cause they dealt with a lot of your annoying garbage for the last 20-something years), could be your best friend. Even if you aren't a fantastic cook, people who love you will say "oh, Abby, this incredibly dry chicken and these still-frozen vegetables are delicious!" Ask me how I know.
3) Explore a new religion. I'll be the first to tell you that Buddhism is fascinating. I studied religion extensively in high school and college, and it is always interesting to learn what other people believe. I also think this helps us to be better human beings. If you're married, it could be fun for you to each learn about a different religion and then teach each other!
4) Spend time alone. This is something I've been doing a lot of in my 4 months so far in the Philippines. Semi-inadvertently, but it has been a great gift. When you spend time alone without anyone to talk to or anything to distract you, it forces you to take in your surroundings. For me, it also forces me to do some serious self-reflection. Being self-aware is a must, no matter how old you are, or if you're married. It's probably especially important if you're married.
5) Work hard at a job. This was my favorite from Taylor's post! Working hard at a job- any job- is a necessary life skill. It doesn't matter if it's at Starbucks, being a student, babysitting, or making copies at some corporate firm. Just work hard. Copy those papers like your life depends on it, y'all!
6) Be selfless. THIS, Y'ALL. The original post mentioned being selfish. While I think sometimes it's necessary to be selfish, selfish is our norm. We are all inherently selfish. Being selfish doesn't take too much effort. But being selfless REALLY does. It's hard, but it's worth it.
7) Travel to a new country/ new state. (I find it important to mention that all 3 of the aforementioned articles said this. If these 3 ladies can all agree on something, suffice it to say it's good advice.)
8) Meet the poor "in the flesh." This one is a Pope Francis quote, and it's crucial. One of my must-haves on every 20-somethings list is to volunteer your time. Not just your money, but your time. When you look someone in the eye who is down on their luck or was just born into a different situation than you, it forces you to remember that they are just like you. We are all cut from the same cloth. We are all human. When you volunteer your time, you get to know people with different backgrounds, and it teaches love and compassion for all.
Which brings me to...
9) Befriend those who disagree. This is another from the Pope Francis article, but I wanted to elaborate on it a bit. I am a very opinionated person. I'm quite open about my political and religious beliefs. This can bring on incredibly heated debates. Sometimes when this happens, it's difficult for me to remember that the people I'm arguing with are people just like me. I'd challenge you to fight this! Find someone who you know has entirely different beliefs from you. Invite them to dinner, and don't talk about your differing beliefs. Talk about something else. Anything else. You could still end up arguing, but you could also figure out that you have more in common than you thought. We have to remember, too, that people are a product of their raisin'. We all have reasons for being passionate about the things we're passionate about. Remember that next time you want to jump down someone's throat because of what they think of the Duck Dynasty debacle.
10) Be happy. I know this one isn't always easy. I suffer from the big "D" Depression and Anxiety. Happy is kind of hard for me. But I've found in my brief 23 years that I am happiest when I am grateful. Grateful for the sun rising on a new day. Grateful for a meal that I have enough money to eat. Grateful for the smile of a stranger. When we are grateful for little things, it's harder to be unhappy, and not-unhappy is a step in the right direction towards happy.
11) Learn sign language. Or karate. Join a choir. Learn a new instrument. Take a cooking class. Learn to knit. Find a new hobby, and don't quit!
12) Read a classic! You know those books we were supposed to read in high school that most of us just read the Sparknotes for? You guys, some of them are really good! I promise! Try it out.
13) Visit a retirement home. This is self explanatory. DO IT. That's where the real stories are. They can list off 25 things you should do with your life faster than you can eat a whole jar of Nutella. ;)
14) Hike the Appalachian Trail. I was going to say "or something near you," but I'm not gonna say that. I think everyone should hike the Appalachian Trail. Pro tip: it could knock off a couple things on this list all in one fell swoop!
15) Keep a blog or journal. Obviously as a writer, I'm biased here, but writing is a vital part of being self-aware. It's cathartic, and strangely enough, people really do read what you have to say. Don't ask me why!
16) Skydive. Hang glide. Zipline. Do something that scares the absolute crap out of you. This is especially fun with a spouse or a best friend; it's a perfect bonding experience! Just make sure it's someone that won't tell everyone you know when you peed your pants a little on the way down.
17) Listen to live music. Really listen. Don't take a video. Don't take pictures. Don't text your friend to tell them how amazing it is. Just listen. Be present.
18) Surprise someone. Plan a surprise party for someone you care about. Take an impromptu road trip to go visit an old friend. Buy a friend flowers on a random Tuesday. Have dinner ready for your spouse when they get home from work. Sometimes this can even serve to surprise you too. Our own kindness is sometimes hard to see amongst all our natural selfishness.
19) Be healthy. Mentally and physically. Like I said, I'm only 23, but I do (sometimes) listen to people that are older than me. I can't tell you how many of them have told me they wished they'd started caring about their bodies when they were younger. Do you have to join Crossfit? Nope. Do you have to eat only organic foods? Nope. But you should take care of the one body you were given. Be aware of what you put in it.
20) Take a high school kid out to dinner. This might sound strange at first, but do you remember how much high school sucked?? Maybe it didn't suck for you, but it sucks for many. Take a kid out to dinner. Remind them that it does indeed get better. Invest your time, money, and energy in them. Be a role model for them. A lot of them are actually pretty darn funny and smart. I'd be willing to bet they can teach you something too.
21) Learn to apologize. Sometimes we do dumb stuff. Own up to it. Stubbornness never got anyone anywhere. (This does not mean apologize for who you are, or for life choices you have made that you're proud of.)
22) Go to a museum. Read historical nonfiction. Learn about something you have absolutely no idea about. (For example, I know absolutely nothing about the Cold War. If you have a book for me, send it my way!) Learn to appreciate things that are simultaneously new and old.
23) Learn to dance. Since you're 20-something, you're presumably headed to some weddings in the near future. Dancing at them is fun, especially if you know what you're doing. If you're already hitched, take dance classes with your significant other! If not, grab a friend and get to groovin'. This Southern girl highly recommends learning to shag, but that's just a personal preference.
24) Take risks. Life is scary. It really is. Change is hard. But beauty comes from taking risks. When we go out on a limb for someone, or something, we can fall flat on our faces. But we learn from that. And sometimes… sometimes you don't fall flat on your face. Sometimes you end up living across the globe from your home and knowing with every fiber of your being that the risk you took was completely worth it.
25) Fall in love. Yes, this applies to "whether you're married or not." You can fall in love with a person, but you can also fall in love with one of your new hobbies. You can also fall in love with a child. You can also fall in love with a puppy. You can fall in love with the ocean. You can fall in love with a sunset. You can fall in love with the new city, state, or country you decided to visit or move to. What all these things have in common is that you have to be present to fall in love with these things. You have to be appreciative of the things that are right in front of you. See things in a new light, and fall in love with them. Maybe you'll fall in love with yourself too. I hope so.
One of my favorite pieces of advice is the song Everybody's Free to Wear Sunscreen by Baz Luhrmann. This song is chock full of fantastic words of wisdom, but this is my favorite bit and the most relevant right now:
Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half-chance. So are everybody else's.Really what it comes down to is this.
Do more of what makes YOU happy. Get married, or don't. Do some of the things on this list (or any of the others), or don't. But make a decision about what YOU want, and own that decision. Be proud of who you are. And understand that when people say things that offend you or seem like they're a personal attack on you, they're really just being proud of who they are. They're different, and that's okay. Love them anyway.
Til next time, y'all.
AK
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