50 Rules for Survival in the Philippines

As December rounds the corner, this means my parents' visit to the Philippines is imminent. I am more than a little excited about this for several reasons. 1) I GET TO BE WITH MY PARENTS FOR CHRISTMAS! 2) My parents have done a lot of traveling, but never to a developing country. I am excited to show them "my world" and why I do what I do. 3) For the last, oh, 23 years, my parents have told me every time I leave the house "don't forget that you represent me, our family, and our business every time you walk out the door!" Now it is finally my turn to tell my family that while they are here, they represent me, PCUSA, Jesus, and the United States. Sounds daunting, so I've come up with a few tricks of the trade to help them through.

This is not a comprehensive list. This is not an attempt to sum up the Philippine culture in one blog post. Obviously, that would be impossible. These are just a few basic survival tips for my "green" parents. Please enjoy with an open mind and an open heart.

• Everyone will stare at you. EVERYONE. The bold ones will say "hallow!" or "hey Joe!" (Like G.I. Joe) Just smile and wave. They will be tickled pink.
• You may actually keel over and die once you see how cute the babies/ children are. You are welcome to hold the babies (or at least, no one has stopped me yet). Everyone calls me "mama Abby."
• I don't like to make sweeping generalizations, but there are two I can make without hesitation. 

1) Filipinos LOVE love. Everyone will tell you they want me to marry a nice Filipino boy. They may even point one out. Do not be alarmed, I have no intention of doing this. But just smile and laugh. It's much easier than explaining that I am an i-n-d-e-p-e-n-d-e-n-t woman and have no plans to get married ANYTIME soon.
2) Filipinos love to sing. Literally have not met a single Filipino who doesn't love to sing. Any time, any place, any volume (but mostly loudly). Keep in mind this does not mean they know how to sing. Again, just smile and nod.

• Rice is not a supplement. It is a staple. 3 meals a day, without fail. Silverware not required. 
• In regards to food, 90% of it will not be familiar. Most of it is delicious. Some of it is not. Eat it anyway.
• You will be given more food than your stomach can consume. As previously stated, eat it anyway. You'll be considered rude if you don't.
• 99% of food can be eaten with your hands. This is why I'll be a slob when I get back to the US, and I'm not even sorry. It's AWESOME. 
• Burping is completely acceptable. In any context. Farting is not. Rein it in, JK.
• If there is toilet paper in the bathroom (CR) you're in, you're probably at the Ritz. Since it would be stupid to stay at the Ritz in a developing country, bring TP or tissues with you wherever you go. And don't flush it. Throw it away.
• Bucket bathing is an art form. The water is not warm (read: freezing), so you'll be inclined to throw it on your body to get it over with. This does not work. You have to squat down to get maximum coverage, and don't rush it. Slow and steady wins the race. Besides…
• Bathing will be the only time during the day that you'll be cold, so enjoy it.
• You think you know what "hot" is… YOU HAVE NO IDEA. Imagine WaterFestival opening night x 20… all day every day. If you're breathing, you're sweating. Say goodbye to the air conditioning once you get off the plane. You will miss it.
• Talk slowly. If you don't, no one will understand you. Many won't understand anyway, but you'd be surprised how many do. Watch what you say.
• Everyone will think you are the most beautiful creatures they've ever laid eyes on. Don't let this get to your head- they may call you fat in the next breath.
• You may be asked to give a message at a church service, or wherever you are. They WILL put you on the spot. Be prepared for this.
• If you say you can do something, or have done it ever before, you will be considered a professional. Be wary of this. Shelby mentioned that she "wanted to learn how to play guitar." They asked her to teach guitar lessons.
• Everyone rides motorcycles. Myself included. Breathe. You will survive. It's not unusual to see 5 people on 1 motorcycle. I once saw a woman nursing a baby on the back of a motorcycle. Anything goes. Seriously.
• Traffic rules: not a thing. And yet, I have seen exactly zero accidents in the last 2 months. It's an enigma, but it's pretty legit.
• Transportation is not exactly comfortable. Pedicabs frequently fit several people on them, and buses are called "mass" transportation for a reason. Additionally, the seats are made for tiny Filipinos. Just be ready for this and try to get a window seat! It's much easier to vom that way. ;)
• No cleavage. Period.
• Do not bring expensive clothes or jewelry. Comfort is key. Lightweight, breathable, conservative clothes are best. Remember, it's hotter'n Tuscaloosa during rush week.
• Makeup is really not necessary. You'll sweat it off anyway. Simple is always better.
• Say goodbye to your "bubble." Your personal space is not yours, and it's not personal. Fortunately, I know y'all like to snuggle!
• You will see lots of things that are difficult. You will see living situations that break your heart. Shoeless, dirty children asking for your money. Your first reaction will be to give it to them. Please do not do this. It will just continue the cycle of poverty, and there is always a puppeteer behind these sweet children. The money goes to the puppeteer (pimp), NOT the children. Carry around stickers or a stamp if you want to give these children something or make them smile.
• You will see lots of old white men with young Filipina girls. You have my full permission to glower disdainfully at them.
• You may assume that because I live in a small town, there is some sort of peace and quiet.  You are wrong. There is always music playing, roosters (read: assholes) cock-a-doodle-doodling, monitor lizards making whatever noise it is monitor lizards make, etc. Embrace it.
• Animals: You know how on a farm there's like nice little areas for the goats, cows, etc.? That is not the case here. Goats frequently roam the streets. Cows too. There's a horse that lives next door to me. Don't even get me started on the roosters. But animals are everywhere, which brings me to….
• Bugs: It's been over 2 months for me, so the likelihood that you will get over the ridiculous amount of bugs in the week that you're here is slim to none. I am pretty much a professional mosquito murderer, and they still manage to attack my body multiple times a day. I'm convinced that they like American blood more than Filipino blood, because all my friends stare at me like "WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR LEGS!?!" every day. As you've noticed via my FB posts, spiders are also quite common. So are cockroaches (especially in the CR at night). Don't be paranoid, but do be aware. I almost peed on a spider 3 nights ago.
• The power goes out about once a day. Except at the church, where's there's a generator. It usually comes back on shortly. It's been out for about a half hour as I've been typing this.
• Coffee is an event, not a necessity. 
• You might as well just go ahead and say you're Presbyterians. The Philippines is about 600% Christian… I have no idea how they'd react to your "we homeschool" shtick. ;)
• The minute you get off the plane in Dumaguete, you will be awestruck by the beauty of this place. This will not fade. It is the most beautiful place in the world.
• Don't be dramatic about the water. You can drink it. Most of the water you'll order in a restaurant is mineral water anyway, but you can brush your teeth with/ drink the tap water at your hotel and in Mabinay.
• Everyone in Mabinay will tell you how wonderful they think I am. This is obviously because I am, indeed, wonderful. I can't imagine you're surprised. ;)
• Christmas is the biggest deal in the entire world. We have been celebrating it since September 1st. I cannot imagine how excited everyone will be when it actually comes. You'd think we're celebrating Jesus' birth or something! 
• My family here is the most amazing group of people ever. I am so excited for you to meet them! They are going to fawn over you and love you forever and ever. I hope it's mutual!
• I know you will be tempted to want to help with dishes, etc., but you will not be here long enough to earn this right. It will be hard, but just let everyone treat you as a guest. Trust me- it really is their pleasure.
• Duncan wrote a blog post a while back about there being "inside" and "outside" in the States. This isn't really the case here. Since there is no air conditioning, buildings are mostly open-air. This means rain, animals, ants, etc. can get inside. At my first church service in Mabinay, a dog (who I now know lovingly as George) peed right by the front row. This is normal.
• About the rain… it can happen anytime. I keep my camera in a ziploc baggie in my purse so that if a torrential downpour comes out of nowhere, it will be dry.
• Fun fact: the sky is bluer here.
• The fruit is amazing. All of it. Try it all- even if you think it looks weird. It's delicious.
• Dried fish tastes better than you'd think.
• Amy, you're about average size. John, you are going to be a giant. Prepare to be stared at (even more than most white people are).
• No one here knows what American football is. Therefore, no one knows who Bama is. This makes me sad. 
• I would tell you to bring a book (because I read a lot), but don't. There is a lot of "down time" because the Philippine culture is less focused on production and success than American culture. But this down time is a perfect opportunity to people watch. Embrace the culture of doing nothing. Breathe it in. Enjoy the beauty. It's unbelievable, and for you, it will be fleeting. Don't waste time doing anything but loving it.
• Bishop Camino is the loudest person I've ever met. Yes, louder than me. He will be loud and hilarious and will do his best to make you feel at home. Let him.
• You will be meeting my goddaughter while you're here. Please be warned, she is the most perfect creature to ever grace the face of the earth. You will fall in love.
• I am going to try to make you do as much as possible in the short time that you're here. I know you'll be tired (jet lag sucks), but please let me do this. I have been counting down the minutes until your arrival, and so has everyone else here. 
• My hope is that you will see "me" while you are here. I know none of us expected it, but Abby in the third-world is really me in my element. I hope to show you why I am who I am, and why I'm so passionate about these people. Let me show you me.

In short, the people here are beautiful. Like I said, you will see things that break your heart. Some of these things are indeed quite sad, but I'd encourage you not to feel sorry for the people living these realities. Instead, look for their joy. I assure you, you'll find it. The barefooted children asking for your money play with their friends too. The families with no roofs over their heads laugh just as much as everyone else (which is a lot). Those who don't know where their next meal is coming from thank God for their blessings just as much as those who do (and far more than most Americans). The faith, joy, love, and hope these people have is the greatest gift you could ever ask for. Many of your creature comforts will go out the window, but your happiness will not. You will be surrounded by people so joyful, it will be impossible to be anything but. I know that we sometimes struggle to see the face of Christ in the Christian churches in America, but here, you will see Jesus in every single face. Every single smile. Every single servant-hearted soul. He is here, and boy is it beautiful. I can't wait.